MAN ABOUT A MOOSE
By Marte Ekhougen (written and performed at the National Puppet Conference 2016) with Jack Pullman
Rocking chair in front of wall. A man is slowly rocking back and forth. He is probably 27, but looks more like 72. He is lazy, low key. Something seems slightly off. He is looking trough a taxidermy catalogue like it was a porn magazine.
There is a box with a bread, a can of fish, fork and knife, a roll of toilet paper and other random stuff. Next to him is a banjo. A taxidermy moose head is hanging on the wall.
Man: (has seen something he likes in the magazine) Oh Man
Holy Cow
Moose: (deep female voice with heavy accent)It’s a moose
Man: Not you again
Moose: My back kind of hurts
Man: Leave me alone (turns away from the moose)
Moose: Ever experienced phantom pains?
Man: huh
Moose: Can you at least look at me when I talk to you?
Man: You talk all the time. I can just go around and look at you all day.
Moose: There was a time you used to
Man: hm
Moose: Even if Im jut a head now, I still have all these emotions I carry around in my body. You really hurt me back then. Are you aware of that?
Man: yeah. (Man takes can of lutefisk, fork and knife out of box and starts eating.)
Moose: (looking at an old bread in the box) Can you feed me?
Man: Nah
Moose: please. Just some of that old bread
Man: (knocks bread on floor) Nah. Its still good. (tosses it back in the box)
Moose: Not fair! I never get to have anything!
Man: You’re dead!
Moose: Yeah? And who’s fault is that?
Man: (uncomfortable) I got to scat (stands up and leaves)
Moose: Take your time
Man: (from offstage) Oh shucks
Moose: What?
Man: Can you pass the toilet paper.
Moose (looks at paper, then down where her legs would be). “No can do”
Man: Never mind
Moose: (Grumbling to herself.) I’m so tired of this life. Same story every day. Will this ever end?
Man comes back w pants down on his legs and toilet paper stuck to shoe.
Moose: You got a tail.
Man fixes paper and pants. Picks up his banjo and starts strumming.
Moose: Oh please, spare me.
Man ignores the moose and starts playing “Crazy” , Patsy Cline version
Man: (singing) Crazy, Im crazy for feeling so lonely
Moose: You’re crazy alright
Man: (singing) Crazy. I’m crazy for feeling so blue
Moose: And I feel brown
Man: (singing) I knew. You’d love me as long as you want to
Moose: I’m done
Man: (singing) And someday, you’d leave me for somebody new
Moose: How am I supposed to leave? I’m stuck here
Man: (singing) Worry. Why do I let myself worry?
Mosse: Dunno
Man: (singing) Wondering. What in the world did I do?
Moose: What did you do? What did you do? You shot me!!
Man: (singing) Oh crazy. For thinking that my love could hold you
Moose: Well atleast Ive got this wall to hold me up. It could have been worse I guess.
Man: (singing) Im crazy for crying
Moose: (singing) I was crazy for dying
Both: (singing) And Im crazy for loving you
Moose: (Interrupting, more cheerful. Man is still playing his banjo during this) You know what. I forgive you. We were so young back then. Do you remember how we met? Deep in the forest?
You came up from behind, and you took my breath away. There in the bushes, you showed me what a real man can do.
Man: Want to see what a real man can still do?
Moose: (exited) Yeah?
Man stands up and starts doing an awesome hillbilly dance while still playing his banjo.
Moose: Man! You make me feel so alive again! Like I too can dance. With my moose knuckle.
(Decapitated moose leg with knuckle sticking out comes over the ledge and starts tap dancing on the wall) My beautiful leg! I thought Id never see you again! (dances more)
Man: Oh yeah baby
Moose: Man! I feel. I feel a scat coming along! (does a vocal jazz improvisation, ala Ella F)
Both: (moving closer so moose is hanging over Mans shoulder) (singing)
Im crazy for crying
And crazy for dying
And Im crazy for loving you
Moose: I love you man
(Look at each other lovingly. Ends in a big, slobbery French Canadian Moose kiss)
(The End!)
By Marte Ekhougen (written and performed at the National Puppet Conference 2016) with Jack Pullman
Rocking chair in front of wall. A man is slowly rocking back and forth. He is probably 27, but looks more like 72. He is lazy, low key. Something seems slightly off. He is looking trough a taxidermy catalogue like it was a porn magazine.
There is a box with a bread, a can of fish, fork and knife, a roll of toilet paper and other random stuff. Next to him is a banjo. A taxidermy moose head is hanging on the wall.
Man: (has seen something he likes in the magazine) Oh Man
Holy Cow
Moose: (deep female voice with heavy accent)It’s a moose
Man: Not you again
Moose: My back kind of hurts
Man: Leave me alone (turns away from the moose)
Moose: Ever experienced phantom pains?
Man: huh
Moose: Can you at least look at me when I talk to you?
Man: You talk all the time. I can just go around and look at you all day.
Moose: There was a time you used to
Man: hm
Moose: Even if Im jut a head now, I still have all these emotions I carry around in my body. You really hurt me back then. Are you aware of that?
Man: yeah. (Man takes can of lutefisk, fork and knife out of box and starts eating.)
Moose: (looking at an old bread in the box) Can you feed me?
Man: Nah
Moose: please. Just some of that old bread
Man: (knocks bread on floor) Nah. Its still good. (tosses it back in the box)
Moose: Not fair! I never get to have anything!
Man: You’re dead!
Moose: Yeah? And who’s fault is that?
Man: (uncomfortable) I got to scat (stands up and leaves)
Moose: Take your time
Man: (from offstage) Oh shucks
Moose: What?
Man: Can you pass the toilet paper.
Moose (looks at paper, then down where her legs would be). “No can do”
Man: Never mind
Moose: (Grumbling to herself.) I’m so tired of this life. Same story every day. Will this ever end?
Man comes back w pants down on his legs and toilet paper stuck to shoe.
Moose: You got a tail.
Man fixes paper and pants. Picks up his banjo and starts strumming.
Moose: Oh please, spare me.
Man ignores the moose and starts playing “Crazy” , Patsy Cline version
Man: (singing) Crazy, Im crazy for feeling so lonely
Moose: You’re crazy alright
Man: (singing) Crazy. I’m crazy for feeling so blue
Moose: And I feel brown
Man: (singing) I knew. You’d love me as long as you want to
Moose: I’m done
Man: (singing) And someday, you’d leave me for somebody new
Moose: How am I supposed to leave? I’m stuck here
Man: (singing) Worry. Why do I let myself worry?
Mosse: Dunno
Man: (singing) Wondering. What in the world did I do?
Moose: What did you do? What did you do? You shot me!!
Man: (singing) Oh crazy. For thinking that my love could hold you
Moose: Well atleast Ive got this wall to hold me up. It could have been worse I guess.
Man: (singing) Im crazy for crying
Moose: (singing) I was crazy for dying
Both: (singing) And Im crazy for loving you
Moose: (Interrupting, more cheerful. Man is still playing his banjo during this) You know what. I forgive you. We were so young back then. Do you remember how we met? Deep in the forest?
You came up from behind, and you took my breath away. There in the bushes, you showed me what a real man can do.
Man: Want to see what a real man can still do?
Moose: (exited) Yeah?
Man stands up and starts doing an awesome hillbilly dance while still playing his banjo.
Moose: Man! You make me feel so alive again! Like I too can dance. With my moose knuckle.
(Decapitated moose leg with knuckle sticking out comes over the ledge and starts tap dancing on the wall) My beautiful leg! I thought Id never see you again! (dances more)
Man: Oh yeah baby
Moose: Man! I feel. I feel a scat coming along! (does a vocal jazz improvisation, ala Ella F)
Both: (moving closer so moose is hanging over Mans shoulder) (singing)
Im crazy for crying
And crazy for dying
And Im crazy for loving you
Moose: I love you man
(Look at each other lovingly. Ends in a big, slobbery French Canadian Moose kiss)
(The End!)
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